Wry & Dry #20-25 Infallible. Superannuation change too hard. Lebanon winners.
The Trumpster’s etchings this week confirm that he is a latter-day Pope Alexander IV. And infallible, to boot. Y’see, when writing on his Truth Social social-media platform, it is clear that he sees his etchings as being ex cathedra i.e. infallible.
Wry & Dry #19-25 The Goose’s Golden egg. Too little. Trumpster’s first DCM.
Treasurer Chalmers has eyed all available pots of money to fund Upgrade Albo’s spendthrift dreams. And his eyes settled on Australia’s Future Fund, the golden egg that is Australia’s sovereign wealth fund. Let no one stand in his way.
Wry & Dry #17-25 Election musings. Panic envelope. Black woman.
A message to the handwringers: the Trumpster is president. Deal with it.
Sleepy Joe should immediately resign, giving the presidency to Kamala Kamala. This would ensure his place in history for giving her a place in history as the first black female president. Without her having enough time to do anything before 20 January. And also ensure that her incessant bleating about losing will cease.
Wry & Dry #16-25 Teals’ Sextets’ silence. Trumpster to win. Pandemic review.
There would be hue and cry if treasurer Grim Jim Chalmers requested the CBA for a discounted home loan rate. The cry would be loudest from parliament’s Teals’ Sextet.
Y’see, in the 2022 election campaign, the Teals’ Sextet campaigned strongly on integrity in politics. They championed the establishment of a National Anti-Corruption Commission, with “real teeth” (as distinct from one with false teeth, perhaps).
Wry & Dry #14-25 Home, sweet. Downsized nuclear. Polls tell.
A man’s home is his castle. And it’s nobody else’s business. Even if the man is the prime minister preaching about a housing shortage and his castle is a $4.3m shack on New South Wales’ Central Coast.
Wry & Dry #13-25 Stupidity. Morality. Calamity.
Your political party had been in opposition for a decade. Then an opinion poll shows you leading 51-49 against a tired incumbent. Government beckons. What could possibly go wrong?
Enter a hilarious exemplar of Keystone Cops (“inept and bumbling individuals or groups who exhibit incompetence while energetically pushing failure”): a cohort of ambitious right-wing Victorian Liberal MPs who thought that it would be a fine idea to give the DCM to leader John Pesutto.
Wry & Dry #12-25 Least-worst option. Best performing. France’s finances.
In foreign affairs there are no good options. Only least-worst options. So said Henry Kissinger, the greatest diplomat since Machiavelli. Also said by Henry Kissinger.
But in viewing the many responses to the escalating mess in the Middle East, Wry & Dry can only see the empty mouthing of most-worst options.
Wry & Dry #10-25 Trumpster’s brain-worm. Revolting Melbourne. Oil.
This was reality television at its best. It was like watching one of those teppanyaki chefs in action. Don’t worry about evading questions, this was a debate: Kamala Kamala brought the tools: sharp knives. And she sliced the Trumpster like wagyu on the hotplate.
Wry & Dry #9-25 Stagflation? Glasgow and Chairman Dan. Meanwhile, in Canada…
Rather like a nervous gambler who bet the house and is waiting for the Tattslotto numbers to drop on a Saturday night, Treasurer Grim Jim waited at his open office window for Wendy-the-carrier-pigeon to bring the GDP news from the Bureau of Statistics.
Grim Jim was relieved as he unfurled the paper from Wendy’s leg, and read a barely positive figure of 0.2% for the June quarter. “Still, better than a negative,” he muttered. Now, the task was to claim credit. Which, as a politician, he did.
Wry & Dry #7-25 Indoor Nuremberg rally. Dutton’s one-trick. A worse state?
Sleepy Joe did his best to stupefy an unstupefiable crowd. It was as though he was giving the eulogy at his own funeral. All the achievements, success and stories. After three hours, people looked at their watches and only 30 minutes had passed. It was another 20 minutes before a relieved crowd were able to wave him into retirement. Rather like a family watching the hearse driving off from the funeral service.
Wry & Dry No.5 of FY-25 Kamela Kamala’s first error. Be alert. Best Olympic nation.
She was doing so well. Squillions pouring into the campaign coffers. The Trumpster totally flummoxed as to how to response to an energetic female and younger competitor. Polls showing her level-pegging with the Trumpster.
What could possibly go wrong?
Wry & Dry #1-25 International year of elections. Open all hours. New political party.
As Readers pass the halfway point of 2024, they know it was always going to be a momentous year. And not because of the arcane controversy about the attractiveness of the Australian Olympic Team’s opening ceremony uniform.
2024 will be remembered for being an election year across the globe. When democracy is put to the test. And fails. But dishonesty succeeds.
This week, Wry & Dry will have a slight election bias, pondering the US (in New York, he watched peak senility battle peak Pinocchio), UK (he now finds himself, under a brolly, to guard against the landslide), France (M Macron has oeuf all over his visage) and Iran (the voting first round had a turnout of 40% – the lowest since the 1979 revolution).
Wry & Dry #43-24 Julian who? Nuclear power poll. Frexit?
Saipan is an island in the western Pacific from where, in 1945, the Americans sent a B29 bomber to deliver to Japan an atomic bomb. That same island is from where this week the Americans sent a private jet to deliver to Australia a media atomic bomb. Julian who?
In preparation, Wry & Dry has battened down the hatches. Raised the drawbridge. Lowered the portcullis. And, in fact, has left the country (for a short time).
Wry & Dry #42-24 Dutton’s Rubicon. UK election: leaders last. Real estate opportunities.
It’s the biggest political move since Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon in 49 BC. And Readers know how that ended.
Uncle Fester Dutton cast the die with his announcement of seven sites for nuclear power plants. It has a sort of “built it and they will come” ring about it. Except his is: “announce it and they will vote for it.”
Err, perhaps some details are missing.
Wry & Dry #40-24 The lesser of two weevils. Al Capone. Bad dream.
With each passing hour, it is becoming clearer that voters in the US have an awful decision to make on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.
A corrupt, narcissistic, megalomanial, neo-Fascist, vengeful, sociopathic populist felon; or
A creaky, well-meaning, stubborn, weak, peri-demential, ideologue.
Wry & Dry #38-24 Inevitably. ICC virtue signalling. Trumpster waits.
Support for Victoria’s governing Labor Party has collapsed to 28%. All of this in the last two months. That is, since Treasurer Tim Pallis’ disastrous budget.
The next election will be in November 2026. Yawn.
Wry & Dry #37-24 The Agony and the Agony. UN vote for votes. Like a mafia funeral.
There must be people out there who actually believe the words and figures in the Budget. How else can Wry & Dry explain the Budget’s massive media coverage. Rather like the death of a Queen or a Collingwood grand final loss, nothing else gets a mention.
Wry & Dry #36 FY-24 From the Murray to… “That would be the Euphrates”. Rats.
In the most flagrant breach of responsible government since that which caused then PM Whitlam to give Federal Treasurer Jim Cairns the DCM in 1975, Victorian Premier Allen has not given state Treasurer Tim Pallas the DCM.
And in abject bovine indifference, the financial media chewed the cud spewed out by the government’s PR machine and effectively said “Tut, tut. Must do better.”
Even the state opposition leader (err, bowler’s name?) couldn’t bring himself to ask for the head of Pallas to be impaled on a spike at the city gates.
Wry & Dry #35-24. Budget spin-time. Government grants meets Hitler youth. Covid responsibility.
It only comes once a year: budget spin time. Spinners opening at either end.
At the Victorian end, the spin will be in the hands of the well upholstered treasurer of Victoria, who has to somehow explain what he did with the money. Over the last 10 years.
At the Canberra end, the spin will alternate between Grim Jim and Albo (wearing a hi-vis vest, instead of the traditional creams).
WRY & DRY #34 FY-24. Invade, but not yet. Power. Local taxes.
Last week, Albo went back to the 1950s to build an Australian manufacturing sector to compete with… China. This week, Defence Minister Marles went forward to the 2030s with a massive re-armament programme to compete against… China.
Some $50 billion of new dosh over the next decade will be spent on new toys. But almost no new serious capability will be delivered for at least 10 years.
Albo has been on the phone to Emperor Eleven to ask if China will hold off invading until 2035.
Wry & Dry #32 FY-24. Bumper post-Easter issue.
Robert Kennedy is an American environmental lawyer who promotes anti-vaccination misinformation and public health conspiracies. With an energetic blend of left-wing idealism and right-wing conspiracy theories, in his own mind he is the perfect person to challenge Sleepy Joe and the Trumpster for leadership of the free world. Which he has done.
His many university degrees will not help him as much as his name. Insert a middle initial, add a post-nominal indulgence and plain Robert Kennedy becomes Robert F. Kennedy Junior. He is a (cue drum-roll)… ‘Kennedy’.
Wry & Dry #28 of FY-24. Gender Equality. Nuclear. Spies.
The rest of the world: focused on Gaza, Ukraine and/or the Trumpster’s latest rambling monologue to bovine masses.
The Australian media: transfixed by the results of the most read survey since Publius Sulpicius Quirinius carried out a census in Judea in 6 AD. That survey (not the one by Quirinius) was by the Workplace Gender Equality Agency (WGEA). It’s a shocker.
Wry & Dry #24 of FY-24. Brainless and invertebrate. “Keep it up-vibe…” Trusts’ tax.
It’s obvious. The Prime Minister doesn’t have a spine. And the Leader of the Opposition doesn’t have a brain.
If Readers hadn’t already drawn this conclusion before spending the summer swimming in the pristine waters of Port Phillip Bay or safely in Sydney Harbour, then the new year’s emissions of cant and idiocy from these two icons of incompetence will have settled any doubt.
Wry & Dry #22 FY-24. Emeritus Chairman Dan’s resume. Hamas: making money. GDP per capita falls.
It was feeding time at the media zoo on Wednesday. Hot on the heels of the PISA report showing that 26% of Victorian 15-year-olds’ educational proficiency was too low “to enable them to participate effectively and productively in life,” the long-awaited Ombudsman’s report into the Victorian public service under Emeritus Chairman Dan Andrews was fed to the salivating media mouths.
There was more than enough for indigestion. Victoria’s public service, the Ombudsman’s massive report said, is “ruled at the highest level by a culture of fear.” No subtlety there.
Wry & Dry #21 FY-24. Heaven: a busy week. Dubai: COP that. US: Haley’s comet.
It’s been a busy week at the Members’ Entrance to the pearly gates to heaven.
On Tuesday Charlie Munger arrived in a limmo longer than a bus. Charlie was Warren Buffett’s conservative investment alter ego. He arrived and immediately began arguing with St Peter about heaven’s recent investments (remembering that time doesn’t matter in heaven): “That St Peter’s Basilica property development in Rome was a waste of money.”
Wry & Dry #19 FY-24: Albo: What. Me worry? UK: sinking ship. Israel: maths.
Political opinion polls published on Monday screamed gloom for Albo. His preferred PM rating had fallen to 40% from 47%.
In response, Albo gave the Alfred E Neuman comment. Well, he actually didn’t say it. He didn’t need to: the same poll showed the Coalition’s primary support falling to 30%. Albo will be soundly sleeping; albeit in the pointy end of a Qantas A380.
Wry & Dry #18 FY-24: China: Echo Wall. Epidemics: RDS. Iran.
The news last week that former PM Keating had lost it completely with a recurrence of RDS was only a modest surprise. The bad news this week is that RDS is spreading.
Readers will recall that former PM Scott Morrison hailed his 2019 election victory as a miracle, for which he himself was entirely responsible. Clearly hoping to repeat the miracle in the epicentre of miracles, Morrison flew into Israel over the weekend.
Wry & Dry #17 FY-24: China. Keating. Anti-Semitism.
Some weeks ago, Wry & Dry suggested that the incoming head of the Productivity Commission Ms. Michelle Wood might get the DCM before starting her job. Her then sin was proposing an inheritance tax.
Wry & Dry mused then that perhaps she suffered from RDS. Proposing an inheritance tax certainly got the headlines.
But then on Wednesday, she again put her head above the parapet.
Wry & Dry #16 FY-24: Trumpster: diary. Anti-Semitism mask. Albo’s straining belt buckle.
Saturday: Florida. Played golf with some champion golfers. An Irish fella called McIlroy, a chick from South Korea, Jin Young Ko and a bloke named Tiger something. I WON!
Sunday: New Hampshire. Spoke at a rally. Told them “I don’t mind being Nelson Mandela.” I am willing to GO TO JAIL to defend democracy. Mandela was a patriot, like me. India should be proud of him.
Monday…
WRY & DRY #15 FY-24: Voice over. Sleepy Joe’s great speech. Never mess with a nun.
The Voice debacle gave rise to claims and counter claims that would make a lawyer richer than Croesus. The most risible was from journalists, newspaper-letter-writers and deniers who blamed the loss on Opposition Leader Peter Dutton.
Really? Dutton would be pleased to claim he single-handedly defeated a campaign backed by the full forces of the government, the ACTU, an overwhelming casket of cash, the major churches, large companies, universities, the major sporting codes, major industry superannuation funds and… Alan Joyce. SuperDutton? Yeah. Nuh.
Wry & Dry #13 FY-24: Disaster: Chairman Dan’s DCM. Trumpster the fraudster. PwC.
In a DCM-move that surprised many, Chairman Dan gave himself the DCM on Tuesday. This is a disaster of great magnitude.
Cartoonists all over Australia have lost a subject that yielded the Everest of political satire and ridicule. They feasted on the opportunity provided by arguably the most hated politician since Julius Caesar, whose DCM, unlike Chairman Dan’s, was not self-inflicted and caused by 27 knife wounds from six grumpy conspirators.
Emboldened by his own outstanding oratory and aided by an Opposition as weak as the Wallabies and as divided as post-war Germany, a fawning media and an upper house cross bench that were easily bought, he bestrode the political world like a colossus.
Wry & Dry #7 FY-24. “No child will live in poverty.” Trumpster the mobster. VinFast what?
When the Indians are circling your wagon, the lessons of Politics 101 are clear. Divert attention away from the Indians until the cavalry arrives. What better diversion than a big, ‘nation building’ policy.
Former PM Bob Hawke was a master at this. Readers will remember either of “no Australian child will live in poverty” and/or “we will plant one billion trees.”
Wry & Dry #6 FY-24. CBA profiteering? Protected species. Israel: ignorance aplenty.
Who did the CBA’s CEO think he was fooling when he said that the bank’s massive profit will “fortify the balance sheet to support struggling borrowers” Good grief, does anyone think that the CBA is going to forgive the debt of a defaulting borrower?
Wry & Dry #5 FY-24. Trumpster smashes own record. Phoenix Team. US credit downgrade.
What proud citizen of the USA would not want a president who admitted to a business relationship with a porn start? Really, it’s about free speech. And free trade.
Or one whose high intellect and sense of history meant that building a personal library of really historic documents was really understandable.
And now, conspiracy. Really? What’s the fuss? Who in politics hasn’t conspired before, during or after office?
Wry & Dry #4 FY-24. “Full support of the board.” Sensible decision. Marketing ideas.
Albo earned more frequent flyer points this week, from a trip across the Tasman. He met with the NZ PM to discuss “simplified border checks”.
Wry & Dry is not sure why a mundane matter such as border checks needed a meeting between two prime ministers. But, it is what it is: Albo needed the FF points to keep his Platinum status within reach.
Wry & Dry #3, FY-24: Through Dan’s eyes. Ski lodges. Superannuation funds fail.
Anthropologists believe there may be tribes living in the farthest reaches of New Guinea who have yet to hear that Chairman Dan has cancelled the state of Victoria holding the upcoming Commonwealth Games.
Wry & Dry #2, FY-24: Cue cards. Emperor Eleven Jinping. Robo-debt.
It must be tough being a US president. So many things to remember. And all of those names and faces. And this on top of the shocking ailment that affects some 50% of the people on the planet: being male.
Wry & Dry #1, FY-24: Some of it was cricket. Foster country. Headhunters.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a batsman who is unhappy with the method of his dismissal will cry that it wasn’t “in the spirit of the game.”
And so it came to pass that in a recent cricket Test match, English batsman Bairstow was silly enough to leave his crease when the ball was still in play. He was correctly dismissed (“stumped”).
An outburst of outrage not seen at Lord’s since the Great Pimm’s Shortfall Crisis of 1926 then arose.
Wry & Dry #34: Sleepy Joe’s real reason for not coming. How to paint a debt ceiling. Cane toads?
Sleepy Joe has decided to cancel his trip to have gumnut tea and a lamington with Albo. His acolytes speak of the need to negotiate the raising of America’s ‘debt ceiling’. Nuh.
The real reason is the worry that Sleepy Joe might fall victim of the food on the Jetstar flight to Sydney. And return to the US in a more horizontal position than is usually found on Jetstar. Then Armageddon: Kamala Harris would get the gig in the White House, at which she has already been measuring up curtains.
Wry & Dry #12: Time to invade. Football club follies. Turning.
Imagine that you are the Chairman of a struggling inner-suburban football club. The club concerned has a proud history. Sadly, in recent times it has fallen on ‘ardship, which a previous administration had attempted to overcome by injecting its players with cocktails not heard of in the best bar at the Ritz Carlton.